Chapter 19
"Buried But Not Dead"
I thought I had perfectly buried this place. I was certain I left no memorials or landmarks for recognition or identification. I kept no record of the gradual self-inflicting death that I had imposed upon myself. But God knew and He knew it all.
The
self-slaughter had continued for years. I never realized that in the
process of hating, resenting and suppressing who I really was, I was
also destroying the very person my husband loved and treasured. I had
no idea that what I had done was to my own demise. I had no knowledge
of the pain I inflicted upon him, nor how I made him undergo the
suffering of watching the woman he cherished so much die a slow and
ongoing death.
But
God began to visit the deep places of my soul. He paced through the
corridors of my heart, each time hitting me like a tsunami and
destroying everything that was unlike Him in its path. He was
searching, finding, pulling, breaking, tearing and clearing out all the
debris that had taken root over the years. He touched my broken areas;
pieces that were only patched and appeared to be whole and issues I
could not face up to on my own. This was unfair and unjust. How could a
loving God that said that He loved me permit what had taken place?
Why would He allow me to suffer this tragedy? What glory could He get
from all of this?
But
if I were to be used by Him, this broken vessel would need inner
healing and a release from a spirit of rejection and self-hatred that
dwelt in the inner chambers of my heart. I had carried this load for
years and my deliverance had come; yet it was not coming without a
fight.
