Library of Laughter
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LOL (Library of Laughter): A miserly millionaire called a family meeting. "I'm placing a box of money in the attic," he said. "When I die, I intend to grab it on my way up to heaven. See to it no one touches it until it's my time to go." His family respected his wishes and soon after his death the millionaire's wife looked in the attic. The box ...was still there. "The fool!" she said to herself. "I told him he should have put it in the basement."
LOL (Library of Laughter):
The floods washed away home and mill--all the poor miller had in the world. But as he stood on the scene of his loss, after the water had subsided, brokenhearted and discouraged, he saw something on the bank which the water had shed bare. 'It looks like gold,' he said. It was gold. The floods which had beggared him had made him rich!
LOL (Library of Laughter): What if?
An atheist once teased a Christian by saying: "Say, George, what would you say if, when you die, you found there wasn't such a place as heaven after all?" With a smile the believer replied, "I should say - well, I've had a fine time getting there anyway!" Then the Christian sent a bo...omerang back to the atheist: "Say, Fred, what would you say if, when you die, you found there was such a place as HELL after all?"
LOL (Library of Laughter): Which tire was flat?
Four high school boys were late to their morning classes one day. They entered the classroom and solemnly told their teacher they were detained due to a flat tire. The sympathetic teacher smiled and told them it was too bad they were late because they had missed a test that morning. But she was willing to let them make it up. She gave them each a piece of paper and a pencil and sent them to four corners of the room. Then she told them they would pass if they could answer just one question: Which tire was flat?
LOL (Library of Laughter): More lies . . .
The story is told of a peevish old fellow who boarded a train, occupied the best seat, and then tried to reserve still another for himself by placing his luggage upon it. Just before the crowded vehicle started, a teenage boy came running up and jumped aboard. "This car is full," said the man irritably; "that seat next... to me is reserved for a friend of mine who has put his bag there." The youth paid no attention but sat down saying, "All right, I'll stay here until he comes." He placed the suitcase upon his knees while the elderly man glared at him in vain. Of course, the "friend" didn't appear, and soon the train began to move. As it glided past the platform, the young fellow tossed the bag through the open window remarking, "Apparently your friend has missed the train. We mustn't let him lose his luggage too!" With a horrified expression on his face the old gentleman began to fume and sputter. The lie has cost him his possessions!
LOL (Library of Laughter):
Only in Texas: Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?" Farmer: "That's right." Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?" Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life".
LOL (Library of Laughter): The best person to be is yourself . . .
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the young businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!" ~Bar, har, har, ha, ha!!!
Don't Look for Greener Pastures. Bloom Where You are Planted:
An Ancient Persian legend tells of a wealthy man by the name of Al Haffed who owned a large farm. One evening a visitor related to him tales of fabulous amounts of diamonds that could be found in other parts of the world and of the great riches they could bring him.
The vision of all this wealth made him feel poor by comparison. So instead of caring for his own prosperous farm, he sold it and set out to find these treasures. But the search proved to be fruitless. Finally, penniless and in despair, he committed suicide by jumping into the sea.
Meanwhile, the man who had purchased his farm noticed one day the glint of an unusual stone in a shallow stream on the property. He reached into the water, and to his amazement he pulled out a huge diamond. Later when working in his garden, he uncovered many more valuable gems.
Poor Al Haffed had spent his life traveling to distant lands seeking jewels when the farm he had left behind were all the precious stones his heart could have ever desired.
Version from Fredericksburg Collection
A Critical Eye
A certain hog farmer refused to have anything to do with the church because all he ever saw was a bunch of hypocrites who belonged to it. He always named two or three.
One day the pastor of the church came by to buy a hog from him. After looking over the farmer's entire swine herd, the pastor pointed to a scrawny, sickly, ugly little runt and said, "I want that one."
The farmer remonstrated vigorously, "Why, Preacher, you don't want that one. He?s the scrawniest runt I ever saw. Look, here are some fine hogs over here." "That's all right," said the preacher, "I want that one."
After the purchase was completed, the pastor said, "Now I am going to haul this pig all over the country and tell everyone that this is the kind of hog you raise!" "Hey, Preacher, that's not fair," the farmer protested. "I raise fine hogs. An occasional runt doesn't ruin my whole stock."
"I am only following your example of condemning a whole church because of the stunted spirituality of a few of its members," explained the pastor. The farmer got the point!
A Mirrored Image
The story is told of a man and an angel who were walking along together. The man was complaining about his neighbors.
"I never saw such a wretched set of people," he said, "as are in this village. They are mean, greedy, selfish, and careless of the needs of others. Worst of all, they are forever speaking evil of one another." "Is it really so?" asked the angel. "It is, indeed," said the man.
"Why, only look at this fellow coming toward us! I know his face, though I cannot remember his name. See his little shark-like, cruel eyes, darting here and there like a ferret's, and the lines of hardness about his mouth! The very droop of his shoulders is mean and cringing, and he slinks along instead of walking."
"It is very clever of you to see all this," said the angel, "but there is one thing that you did not perceive...that is a mirror we are approaching."
LOL (Library of Laughter): Brigid
Laughter is carbonated holiness.~Anne Lamott
Library of Laughter): Ann
My wife asked, "Whatcha doin' today?"
I said, "Nothing".
She said, "You did that yesterday".
I said, "I wasn't finished."
LOL (Library of Laughter): Ann
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
LOL (Library of Laughter): Denis R.
My Dad's Better Than Your Dad
Three boys on the playground were bragging about their dads.
One said, "My das scribbles a few words, call it a song and they pay him 50 bucks."
"Oh, yah. My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a poem and they pay him 100 bucks."
"That's nothin'," said the third kid, "my dad scribbles a few words, calls it a sermon and it takes six people to collect the money!"
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